Monday, May 27, 2013

The Four Queens of Twitter


Do you have a Twitter account? Do you ever find yourself wishing that the people that you follow on Twitter a bit more eventful? Do you ever wish that those people would post half-naked selfies while high on marijuana or make posts that not even Google Translate could understand? Is your life becoming meaningless without another hilarious tweet to keep you fueled for the rest of the day? If you answered yes to any of those questions, this blog post is for you. By reading this post, you will quickly learn which celebrities to follow to get the most out of your Twitter experience.

Azealia Banks has always been quite an active member of Twitterverse. Her tweeting specialty can be defined, in Internet slang, as "throwing more shade than a palm tree." Once another artist steps on the bad side of Banks, they better be checking their Twitter feed about five minutes afterwards. She has had fights with a countless number of people, including Nicki Minaj, Kreayshawn, Angel Haze, A$AP Rocky, Rita Ora, and even two of her past managers. 

My favorite feud, though, has to be the beef between Banks and blogger Perez Hilton. In fact, I actually go to watch this feud in real time; as I refreshed my timeline, a new post from Banks was blasting Hilton. Banks started the beef after Hilton took Angel Haze's side in the Banks vs. Haze showdown. The first shots were fired when Banks posted, "This nigga perez is a roach" and "@perezhilton lol what a messy faggot you are." As the fight escalated, Banks said, "Get the fuck outta here dickbreath," as Hilton tried to quickly make up some comebacks, but Banks was on rapid fire. She later had to re-group and justify her homophobic slurs, considering she is actually bisexual. One of the most interesting fights, to say the least.

Sadly, her tweeting etiquette slightly improved after her record label asked her to hand over the password to her account. Once the password was given up, all of her past tweets were deleted from her timeline. However, she still manages to stir up a bit of trouble here and there, which always keeps the fun going, but nothing has gotten as major as her past feuds.

Amanda Bynes has become rather interesting throughout the past year. The former Nickelodeon star has been on a constant decay, and most recently has been bleaching and shaving off her hair and throwing bongs out of windows. She also decided to get her cheeks pierced and had plastic surgery, which she said was to 're-profile' her face. Besides ruining my childhood image of her, Bynes has also been showing off her new 'look' on Twitter. She's found it necessary to be topless, wear fishnets, make winky faces, and be in a bathroom mirror while taking selfies, giving the images captions like "Rawr!" and "Long hair don't care." 

That isn't the only thing you'll have to look forward to when you click the follow button on Bynes' Twitter page; you'll also see plenty of re-tweets of messages posted to her on Twitter by her small army of faithful fans, including "The media needs help, not @AmandaBynes," and "@AmandaBynes I love you amanda You are so beautiful <3 I've always been such a fan of yours #queenamanda." Inspiring, eh?

Bynes has also taken an Azealia Banks approach to dealing with people she dislikes. Most recently, she randomly lashed out against Rihanna. She tweeted, "Chris Brown beat you because you're not pretty enough," and "unlike your fugly faced self I don't do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met your ugly face in person. U aren't pretty u know know!" Without a manager to filter her tweets, who know which Twitter user will be victimized next, but I know I'm getting my popcorn ready to watch that show.

Not only is she targeting individuals, but after her nose-job and hair transformations, Bynes has confronted every tabloid magazine that dares to put an 'old' picture of her in their publication. One of the companies targeted for using 'old' pictures of her, In Touch Magazine, also uncovered some pictures of Bynes in her apartment, smoking marijuana on a dirty mattress and getting... err... 'close' with an unidentified man. She quickly claimed that "[...] they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him!" Clearly, the woman has been on a downward spiral lately, but at least we can get some tweets that are more entertaining than cable television.

Rihanna may not capable of writing her own music, but when it comes to comebacks, she's got a talent. Almost effortlessly, she smacks down haters with one basic tweet. One of her most puplicized stunts occurred between Twitter and Instagram, when a woman posted multiple insults towards the singer on the social media sites, calling her an alcoholic and a crack addict. Rihanna promptly posted this picture, adding the caption "Can you spot 3 things that are different in these pics? Chile, it's time to privatize that account!" Ouch. I think that woman needs some ice for that burn...

While Rihanna was trying to rekindle her relationship with Chris Brown last year, a woman tweeted, "I gotta admit, I lost alot of respect for @rihanna.. Makin a song w/ the dude that beat your face off is not a good look," to which Rihanna responded, "@JuhReeV neither is your avi #clapback." I actually agree that getting back together with Chris Brown was one of the stupidest ideas Rihanna has ever had, but oh my gosh, that comeback was too good for me to pass up in this post.

Besides the comebacks, Rihanna's tweets are usually just links to pictures of her latest Instagram pictures from which ever city she happens to be in, or they're re-tweets of posts from @PiscesAreUs, an account dedicated to posting a bunch of random stuff about being a Pisces. So, apparently she thinks she's a hipster that actually believes in astrological signs. However, ignoring the excessive amount of useless Pisces trivia and constant selfies (which are far less interesting than those of Miss Bynes, may I add), will pay off in the long run, because the clapbacks the woman provides are worth it.

Cher should officially be given the Entertainer of the Year Award if there ever is some sort of Twitter awards show. The woman is so funny on Twitter, but she just doesn't know why. The most obvious reason: the way she types. With tweets like "He little children wassupn," and "F@s aqaawasAjosn@wa pi," it's a wonder that she even managed to spell her name correctly while making her Twitter account. Just imagine: if she made one small typo, Cher's official Twitter account could have been @chuFKtypoImeantCHER.

She's also used Twitter as a platform to spread her ideas on politically topics, including gun control, as well as her personal life, by saying "Brushing teeth,then, omg! NO EXCUSE 4 ME ! Pres Obama killed Bin Laden! Cher U might want 2 dial Down the passion & dial up brain 2 hand !" and "Going dentist.EVERYONE SHOULD BOYCOTT WALL MART ! They R BIGGEST SELLER OF GUNS IN U.S ! Pick Up Milk,Pick Up BULLETS. Shop TARGET.RT RT RT" Besides telling us about her oral hygiene regimens, we also now know that her colon is squeaky clean: when asked how she spent Madonna's birthday, she responded with "I got a colonic."

Speaking of Madonna, Cher has also done her fair share of shading on Twitter, including some hate towards Madonna when she tweeted, "Wtf is mdna." She claims that her insult towards Madonna was unintentional, but I still beg to differ. Recently, Cher has also picked a fight with talk show host Wendy Williams after she speculated that Cher and her son, Chaz Bono, weren't getting along because of Bono's weight problem. She then tweeted, "If Wendy Williams Doesn’t STOP LYING about Chaz & Me(We’re not Getting along,so Taking a time Out ! I’m Paying him 1K a Lb.2 Lose Weight) So He Has Made $65,000 ! I’m Going 2 Sue HER  Ample Ass & Her Network ! I Don’t Know Who The Fk They Think They R,BUT DON’T FK WITH MY SON." That, my friends, is a true clapback. 

Even with all of this shade-throwing, at least she does apologize when she does hurt someone's feelings... that is, if she can properly identify them first: "I was looking at tweets & saw that i really hurt someones feelings ! Im sorry. It was light blue background with white egg shape . Bye" 

So, there you have it. No more will you be crying yourself to sleep due to your overly-boring Twitter feeds; no more searching for hours on who to follow next; no more contemplation of deleting your Twitter account and permanently ending your online social life. With these four divas on Twitter, your life will always be filled with constant entertainment and happiness.

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